


moments

by partydress



Category: Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 19:36:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19235728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partydress/pseuds/partydress
Summary: following nikolai and dolokhov's relationship





	moments

Dolokhov was a good man. Nikolai knew this; it was Pierre who had completely flown off the handle, challenging Dolokhov to a duel based on purely unfounded claims and putting an innocent man’s life at stake. But Nikolai was here, keeping him company through his recovery. He had met his family, seen the way he treated them, and knew that there was no way Dolokhov could be anything less than a good man.

“I want to thank you for all the time you’ve spent here. I can’t believe this is how someone such as yourself would want to spend his days, sitting next to an injured man. You’ll be happy to know I’m practically completely recovered; you’ll be back to your old life soon enough.” Dolokhov said all of this with a teasing smile on his face and a glint in his eyes that caused Nikolai to flush involuntarily. 

“Oh, it was really no trouble. I would —“ Nikolai paused. He was about to blurt out, ‘I would do anything for you,’ but caught himself. 

He’d caught himself slipping up far too much lately. He would let his gaze linger on Dolokhov for too long, taking in every detail of his face, trying to decipher every look that passed through his eyes, studying his hands and lips, and imagining how they would feel pressed against his skin. Sometimes his hand would brush against Dolokhov’s, and he would let it rest there until the contact became overwhelming and he would be forced to pull away, his hand burning. He didn’t know if Dolokhov had noticed these things, but Nikolai had become hyperaware of everything he did in his presence, and told himself repeatedly that he had to stop. 

“It was no trouble,” Nikolai repeated, clearing his throat. Dolokhov nodded in a way that made Nikolai feel as though he had heard the words that had almost escaped his lips, and his eyes quickly darted down to his hands, which rested on his lap. 

A silence followed, as Nikolai sat and stared at his fidgeting hands, then the sound of rustling, as Dolokhov sat up, changing his position so that his legs hung over the side of the bed. Everything Dolokhov did demanded Nikolai’s attention. His eyes followed even the most simplest of movements, and this was no exception; he instantly looked up. Dolokhov seemed to be aware of the effect he had; the corners of his mouth turned up slightly as he felt Nikolai’s gaze on him. He patted the empty space next to him. “You’ve been sitting on that old chair for so long, I’m sure you’d like to sit on something a bit more comfortable.”

Nikolai nodded and took the spot next to him. He continued to stay silent, turning over the thoughts in his head, working up the courage to say what he had been rehearsing for days, knowing that no amount of preparation could stop it from coming out a jumbled mess. He steeled himself and suddenly turned to face Dolokhov, his eyes shining a bit. 

“You should come over. To my place, that is. You’ve welcomed me into your home, it’s only polite to return the favor. And I can guarantee my family will love you, as I’m sure you’ll love them; they’re wonderful people.” 

With each word, he grew more excited, slowly inching closer to Dolokhov, his hand somehow finding its way to his leg. Realizing what he was doing, Nikolai pulled back and flushed, turning away and lowering his eyes. His hand trembled, the physical contact simultaneously being too much and not enough. Dolokhov looked at Nikolai, his eyebrow raised slightly, and studied the profile of his blushing face. He reached out two fingers, gently placing them under Nikolai’s chin, and turned and raised his head so that their eyes met. Nikolai’s eyes still held their previous shine, mixed with a tinge of fear and excitement. His eyes carried the look of one who had no idea what was about to happen, and yet also knew exactly what would happen; as though he were not ready, yet simultaneously had been waiting for this for a long time.

The two sat like that for what felt like an eternity, staring into each other’s eyes, the air thick and suffocating around them, until Dolokhov leaned forward, softly pressing his lips against Nikolai’s. Nikolai froze, his mind racing as he tried to process what was happening but, before he could respond, Dolokhov pulled away, a smirk only just visible on his face.

“I would be honored,” he said in a low voice, and Nikolai could feel his stomach flip, could feel the heat radiating off his face, and all he could do was smile and nod. 

“I - I should, I mean, it’s getting late and, well, I - I should get going,” Nikolai said, tripping over his words and gesturing vaguely around him. He didn’t want to leave, but felt that staying would be too much to handle. He stood, his knees almost giving way beneath him, and walked towards the door. He felt unable to form any coherent thoughts, but turned back to face Dolokhov at the last second. “So, is tomorrow alright? For - for the - I mean - I’ll come get you then?”

“Yes, that should be fine.”

Nikolai nodded, the smile from earlier never having left his face, and walked out.

The entire ride home was a blur, Nikolai’s mind only focused on replaying what had just happened. He felt, in a word, giddy. His hand found its way to his still tingling lips, his chin burned from where Dolokhov’s fingers had rested. His entire body seemed to buzz with excitement; he was bursting with an energy he had not felt before. He had felt similarly towards other men before, but there was something different about his feelings for Dolokhov, something he could not find the words for. Perhaps it was the fact that Dolokhov had been the one to initiate the kiss, that he seemed to reciprocate these feelings in a way no other man had before. Whatever it was, Nikolai could feel himself falling for Dolokhov, completely and utterly, and he had no intention of stopping.

———

“Okay, what happened?”

“Nothing. I don’t know what you’re referring to.”

Natasha had been keeping an eye on Nikolai from the moment he walked in, and as soon as it was just the two of them alone, she pounced. 

“Oh, please! You’re glowing! Where did you come back from?”

“Like I said,” Nikolai began, avoiding Natasha’s eyes, “I was visiting Dolokhov, and he agreed to stay with us for a while. That’s all; I came directly home afterwards.” Even just saying Dolokhov’s name caused his face to flush, as he was still unable to think of anything but that kiss. It was a simple kiss and he’d kissed people before, but this felt entirely different. If only a kiss had this kind of effect on him, he couldn’t help but wonder what more would do.

Natasha studied her brother’s face, unconvinced. She looked down suddenly, and her voice got quiet. “You haven’t found another girl to love, have you?”

“Of course not!” Nikolai laughed, although he felt a bit guilty. He wasn’t lying, per se. After all, he hadn’t found another girl to love. And yet, as awful as it sounded, he hadn’t even thought of Sonya at all recently. Natasha, however, seemed satisfied with this answer, if still a bit apprehensive. She embraced her brother, and then pulled back, looking him deep in the eyes.

“Okay. I believe you,” she paused, and then continued, “although I’m still not very glad that Dolokhov is staying with us. No, listen!” she added, as Nikolai had rolled his eyes at her statement. “I don’t trust him, not after what he did to Pierre. And to think, Pierre is the one being treated as though he were in the wrong!”

“That’s because he was in the wrong, Natasha.” Nikolai said, pulling further away from Natasha and beginning to walk to his room. “Dolokhov’s a good man. And he’s my friend, so you’re just going to have to put up with him either way. Now, it’s getting late, and being out all day has tired me. Goodnight, Natasha!”

“Goodnight,” Natasha responded, watching him as he walked into his room and closed the door, still feeling that there was something she was missing.

As soon as Nikolai was alone, he let out a deep sigh. Maybe he had been too obvious about his feelings. He always wore his emotions on his sleeves, but these were different; these he had to keep hidden. The rest of the family could be a bit oblivious at times, he could admit that, but Natasha was perceptive, especially when it came to Nikolai. And so, he had to be careful.

That night, Nikolai dreamt of Dolokhov.

———

Nikolai woke up early the next morning, rushed to get ready, and left before anyone could delay him with conversation. He still felt a jittery mess and knew he wouldn’t have been able to hold up a conversation anyway. Not until after he saw Dolokhov. And when he did finally get to Dolokhov, after a ride spent in impatient fidgeting wondering whether the driver was purposefully going as slow as possible, he found it difficult to say what we had meant to, what he had hoped would give him the answer he so desperately desired.

“I have to ask. About yesterday. When we…” Nikolai stood in front of Dolokhov, a considerable distance between the two. Or, perhaps, it wasn’t that far, but was much farther than Nikolai wanted. He found himself unable to finish the sentence, unable to say the word out loud, to vocalize what had happened between the two of them.

“Kissed.”

Nikolai flushed. “Yes, when we… when we kissed. What - what did that mean, exactly?”

“Do I have to explain to you why two people would kiss?” Dolokhov asked, that teasing smile on his face yet again.

“No I just… I wanted to be sure.”

“What? Was that your first kiss?”

“No! I mean, well, it was my first kiss with… with a - a man, if that’s what you’re asking.” Nikolai looked down. He could feel the heat radiating from his face, unable to truly believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. Dolokhov merely hummed in response, and Nikolai looked back up at his face, at his eyes, at his lips, and knew he needed to kiss him again. The two stood in silence.

“Well, if that’s all then we should -“ Dolokhov began, but he was abruptly interrupted as Nikolai cleared the distance between them, pressing his lips against Dolokhov, surprising them both. Nikolai pressed forward, his entire body aching to be in as much contact with Dolokhov as possible. The two stumbled backwards, landing on the chair that Nikolai had spent so many days sitting in at Dolokhov’s side. Nikolai was on top of Dolokhov, his hands feverishly grasping on to whatever they could, first his face, then his shirt, then his hair, all the while kissing him more passionately than he had ever kissed anyone. Dolokhov was the first to pull back, and the two regarded each other, both breathing heavily, lips parted and red.

“I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting that.” Dolokhov said in a low voice.

“Me either.” Nikolai replied, a breathy laugh escaping his lips. His hands were resting on Dolokhov’s shoulders, one finding its way back in his hair as he leaned forward, desperately needing to kiss him again. 

“Wait,” Dolokhov said, pulling back. “Aren’t we supposed to go meet with your family?”

“They can wait,” Nikolai breathed out, pushing forward, but Dolokhov merely laughed and pulled back again.

“We should go.”

“But—“

“Another time.” 

Nikolai huffed, but got up, readjusting his clothing and hair. Dolokhov stared at him, incredibly amused. He had always been aware of Nikolai’s feelings for him, and he had kissed him the previous day just to see what kind of reaction he would get. In all honesty, he hadn’t expected it to go any further than that single kiss, or maybe more teasing on Dolokhov’s part. It was entertaining to watch Nikolai flustered, to know that here was a person so trusting and idolizing, with all of his attention set solely on Dolokhov. Yes, there was a game-like aspect to this all; Dolokhov was manipulative by nature. But there was a part of him that did see Nikolai as a genuine friend, and maybe the kiss wasn’t solely to toy with him. But Dolokhov wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been planning on evaluating those feelings in any way, but then again, he hadn’t been planning on Nikolai initiating a kiss, much less such an enthusiastic one.

“Well then,” Nikolai said, standing near the door and turning back to look at Dolokhov, “shall we go?” Dolokhov decided that maybe he could have a little fun with this.

———

Dolokhov’s presence at the Rostov house was welcomed as Nikolai had hoped. He was well-liked by everyone, Natasha being the vocal exception. Nikolai paid no mind to Natasha’s opinion on this matter; if his entire family had disliked Dolokhov, Nikolai’s feelings would have remained all the more steadfast. There were times when Nikolai believed that he was the only one able to see Dolokhov as he really was. How could any one else? No one else shared with him in these intimate moments, when the two would find time to steal away from the rest, all stifled moans and whispered voices and traveling hands. 

“Have you done this sort of thing before?” Nikolai had asked, feeling that the question could have been posed in a better way, and yet unable to think of any other words. 

“Of course,” Dolokhov responded with a bit of a laugh, his voice still in that low semi-whisper that sent shivers down Nikolai’s spine. 

“No, I mean… with another man.”

Nikolai had expected at least a pause, but without any hesitation Dolokhov responded, “Yes.”

Nikolai wasn’t sure how to respond, but didn’t have to, as Dolokhov’s lips pressed against his, then his neck, then continued on their path downward.

———

“He’s in love with Sonya. Did you know that?”

Nikolai looked up, his eyes meeting Natasha’s, and then he laughed and shook his head. “He’s just nice, is all. He likes everyone. He likes you.” Here, Natasha huffed. “He likes me,” Nikolai attempted to say this last part in as casual a tone as he could, yet he felt his voice waver a bit, and averted Natasha’s eyes. Natasha, however, did not seem to notice, too preoccupied with her annoyance at his dismissal.

“I’m being serious! Are you saying you haven’t noticed the way he looks at her? Nikolai, I’m only trying to help. If you ask me, I don’t think you should invite him around any more.”

“Well then I won’t ask you,” Nikolai responded, and changed the subject.

———

He told himself that there was no way Natasha’s observation was correct. He knew better than anyone where Dolokhov’s romantic interests lay. And yet, the thought had now been planted and it grew with each passing day. Dolokhov even so much as glancing at Sonya sent a pang of anger, jealousy, and sadness to Nikolai’s core. One day, he noticed Dolokhov speaking to Sonya, that ever familiar glint in his eye and, that night, Nikolai kissed him, passionately, fiercely, as though he were attempting to glue himself to Dolokhov, to show him how much he could give him, to make sure he wouldn’t leave.

He never dared ask if it were true. In private, Dolokhov appeared as though nothing were different, and so Nikolai could convince himself that this was all simply a jealous paranoia. Perhaps Natasha had made the entire thing up, attempting to drive the two apart. When Natasha told him that Dolokhov had proposed, his heart dropped.

“He what?”

“I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen!” Natasha continued to speak, explaining how Sonya had refused him, but Nikolai’s mind was in a haze. Despite suspecting it, he was not prepared for what confirmation would feel like. He listened to Natasha, then spoke to Sonya, but the entire time his mind was on Dolokhov. He felt betrayed, but not in a way that brought on anger. There was just sadness and embarrassment. Embarrassment at having allowed himself to fall for him so blindly, at letting himself believe that Dolokhov had actually felt anything for him. Maybe he had; it had felt like he had, but dwelling any longer on those early moments hurt too much.

Nikolai did not see him again until an invitation arrived to play cards.


End file.
